By Josie Ridpath, LICSW | Licensed Therapist & Founder of Inspired Bravery Counseling, LLC
This week my husband and I had some new friends over for dinner. Naturally questions of how each other met their significant other came up. It’s always fun to think back of how things started and now flash forward and we’ve been married for 5 years, about to welcome our 3rd kid in less than 3 years.
As the questions continued we shared engagement stories and both my husband and I kinda sat and looked at each other with a look in each others eyes because we both forgot the date and some of the details at first. As we attempted to retell our engagement story the pieces of the puzzle started coming back to us, but we both had a laugh at the fact that we couldn’t remember so easily.
I found similar moments where things have shifted from before we had kids. Like, one of the first times we went out we could only talk about missing our kids or as the years went on the solo date nights were more quiet than maybe when we first dated.
If you’ve found yourself having similar moments with your spouse, often times they are just laughable moments, but sometimes they can start to feed or trigger spiral thoughts and further perpetuate the feeling of just being a roommate or a co-worker with your spouse.
So what do you do when it’s no longer a joke and you’re missing the person you once knew?
When that heavy silence on a date night or a forgotten detail stops feeling like a funny symptom of "mom brain" and starts feeling like proof that you are drifting apart?
First, I want you to know that the panic you are feeling is completely normal. As a perinatal and maternal mental health therapist in Minnesota, and a mom currently riding that exact same "three kids in three years" rollercoaster, I see this relational shift often. Highly capable women share with me a fear that because their marriage feels different, it must be broken.
But I'd love to offer you a gentle reframe to consider instead. here is the clinical truth your anxious mind needs to hear: You haven't lost your connection. Your relationship is undergoing an evolution.
Why Having Kids Shifts Marriage into the "Roommate Phase"
When you move from being romantic partners to parents, think of it like you are opening up a startup business together. Your daily conversations naturally shift from dreams, hobbies, and deeper thoughts to pure logistics: Who is picking up the groceries? Did the toddler poop today? Whose turn is it to get up at 5:00 AM?
This "co-worker" dynamic happens because of two main things:
- Neurological Bandwidth: Your brain is running so many background tabs just keeping tiny humans alive that it forcibly deletes "non-essential" data (like the exact date you got engaged) just to survive the day.
- Sensory Overload: By the time the kids are finally asleep, your nervous system is often completely overstimulated from being touched, crawled on, and yelled at all day. You might not want anything but quiet.
When both partners are in survival mode, the space between you can grow quiet. But that quiet doesn’t mean the love is gone. It means you are tired.
Reframing the Changes in Your Marriage After Kids
When couples feel this distance, the default reaction is often to panic or build up resentment. To protect your connection, we have to change how we view this season:
- Compare your current capacity, not your past romance: It is unfair to compare a Tuesday night with a sick toddler to a pre-kids vacation. Romance in early parenthood isn't defined by grand, spontaneous gestures; it’s found in the reliable teamwork of a partner who clears the kitchen counter so you can finally sit down.
- You are evolving, just like your kids: We readily accept that our children hit new developmental milestones and change constantly. Your marriage has to hit milestones and change, too.
Rebuilding Connection with Online Therapy in Minnesota
If you are tired of feeling like passing ships in the night and wondering if your relationship will ever feel like "us" again, you don't have to navigate this transition alone.
You don’t need a a cliché checklist of "date night ideas." You need a maternal mental health specialist who understands the heavy intersection of parental burnout, sensory overload, and how the invisible mental load systematically impacts a marriage.
The Private-Pay Advantage Therapy in Minnesota
I intentionally run a private-pay practice because your mental health care should be dictated by your actual needs, not an insurance company's rigid guidelines.
Remember: when a Mom is supported and whole, it ripples into her kids, her marriage, and her home. What if spending just one hour working with me each week is what gives you back that sense of connection back with your spouse? I’d be honored to guide you.
By investing in private-pay therapy sessions with me, you protect your care with critical benefits:
- Total Confidentiality: No permanent psychiatric diagnosis is submitted to your medical record, keeping your relational processing completely private.
- Specialized Focus: Free from insurance constraints, my clinical time is invested directly into advanced maternal and perinatal training specifically tailored to your exact struggles.
- Direct Access: No insurance hoops or wait times. You get a direct, premium telehealth experience designed to respect your energy.
You don’t have to wait until your kids grow up to feel connected to your spouse again.
I offer specialized online therapy for maternal burnout in Minnesota to help you untangle the resentment, regulate your overstimulated nervous system, and find your way back to each other.
Click here to book your free 15-minute consultation at inspiredbraverycounseling.com — let's work together to help you find ease, happiness, and enjoyment in your marriage again.